This past week has been one of the most difficult ones since I moved to New York. One would think it was so because I was broke, or missed home, or someone died but no no...everything was fine BUT it wasn't! Do you ever feel that way?
I was so frustrated, so angry with myself and I was trying so hard to fix my mood. Nothing externally was causing this terrible feeling of insecurity, lack of creativity and emptiness tbh, and that's what was crazy. Usually someone would've said or done something to cause me to feel some of the emotions that stuck with me ALL WEEK - and I couldn't even blame my period because it ended a few weeks ago and I'm not expecting it any time soon. *Sigh*
So I went through each day consciously controlling my attitude because I was ready to burst. I would put down my to do list in my Notes on my phone every night before bed, and be even more upset with myself because I couldn't do something on that day and had to put it in for the next...
I would listen to Podcasts, sermons, inspirational talks and not learn much. I felt absent. I felt like the things I really wanted to do for myself and my personal growth were not becoming a reality and I didn't know how to fix it or even get myself back to being positive about life.
A few weeks prior to this one, I gave my manager a deadline for a collection I was working on so she pushes me to get it done. Well, she's busier than ever these days so there wasn't much pushing but she would occasionally ask how the collection was coming, and in the beginning, it was coming along really well! I had my inspiration board ready, even got some preliminary sketches down. Then it began...
I'm currently working as a stylist at Lord&Taylor, and on my days off I intern at a fashion house to gain more design experience - so the few hours I have to do anything productive personally have been allocated to sleep, gym time and chores.
When the day finally came (which was this just past Wednesday) she asked how's the process and I quickly replied - DEAD.
Trying to finish Erwin McManus' book The Last Arrow was a plus because it's through this that I realized I hadn't discussed my feelings with anyone - not my family, friends, bf, no one, which I realize now was really silly. Pretending everything is okay is what makes everything okay BUT not okay. Typing this right now is so freeing and I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders, so thank God for you and this platform.
YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH IS NOT WHEN YOU CAN PROVE THAT YOU DONT NEED ANYONE; YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH IS WHEN YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO PROVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT ALONE - Erwin McManus
So I called my closest friends up and talked for hours, turns out they were going through different challenges too and simply talking about it made us feel like there was someone there we could connect to, vent without judgment and receive some kind of advice or encouragement.
Life wasn't meant to be done alone. My father always says to me "People are your Greatest Resource" and I really see it now. Being independent is great, but it doesn't mean secluding yourself from the world. It's the same people you avoid that will be used by God to propel you in the direction of your purpose.
PS: Thanks Jen for advising I do this!